Lee ([info]lee_scribbles) wrote,
@ 2004-04-04 12:16:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend  Next Entry
Current mood: accomplished
Current music:Clint Mansell/Kronos Quartet - Lux Aeterna

[Hidden 01] Rain (Arie)
Well, this is my first piece. It's part of my 'Hidden' series (I think it needs a better name, but I needed *something* to call it...). The Hidden series is a bunch of really short fics (Under 500 words, preferably, under 1000, definitely) about various supernaturals hiding in the modern world. It's always been an idea that's fascinated me (and sparks my love of the World of Darkness roleplaying games by White Wolf), and it's one that lends itself easily to short fics.

These stories are also being used as exercises. This one, for instance, was supposed to mention all five senses, and is based off of a picture I saw, of a bright red jacket lying on top of a bunch of dark garbage.

With no further ado, here's the fic.


[Hidden]

Rain


Arie spun around in a circle, her arms flung out, ignoring the strange looks she got from the rest of the pedestrians on the busy street. It had just started to rain, and the cold water felt wonderful trickling down her neck. Her bright red jacket did nothing to keep the rain from soaking into her sweatshirt, and Arie grinned. She'd look like a drowned cat by the time she reached Michael's place, but that was all right - she was just happy to be out of the subway. The cramped, closed-in cars always made her feel trapped, and the scents of all the people crammed in the little area made her feel nauseated, every single time she entered. Pity she was simply too lazy to walk.

Still grinning, Arie sauntered down the street, taking a sharp right onto Wilton Road. She could almost feel a tail swishing behind her, and actually took a moment to turn around and check to make sure it wasn't there. Assured of her current state of normality, Arie crossed the street, not bothering to check either direction. The sharp noise of squealing brakes came first from her left, then her right, but she cheerfully ignored both sounds, keeping her head turned forward. After reaching the sidewalk, she took a quick glance back over her shoulder, and seeing the man driving the second car glaring at her and making rude gestures, she blew him a kiss. Watching his face turn a deep red, her smile tightened, turning more vindictive and less mischievous. She turned her head back to front, and ducked into the alleyway she'd been heading for, chuckling.

She picked her way nimbly through the rubbish and refuse that littered the ground here, careful not to step on anything too dirty. Her nose wrinkled and she tried to breathe shallowly - the smell of rot and mold made her stomach turn and left a hideous taste in her mouth. Reaching the bottom of the fire escape, she frowned. Michael had forgotten to leave the ladder down *again*.

Arie didn't even bother to glance around before concentrating hard on the feel of her feet on the ground. Less than five minutes later, a large grey housecat leapt lightly up the fire escape, headed to the open window on the third floor. On the ground, dirty and torn, lay a red jacket.




(9 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]stifled_angel
2004-05-19 07:23 am UTC (link)
Love it :)

I was going to leave the comment at that but changed my mind. I'm interested in reading more of your work. The piece drew me in and I'd love to read more about Arie. I'm going to add you as a friend in the hope that there's more written in friends locked entries.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]lee_scribbles
2004-05-19 07:54 am UTC (link)
Thank you so much! There currently isn't anything else up right at this moment - I'm reworking this to be more of a chapter than a short story - but I'm almost done with an earlier chapter set in the same world. Finals also kept me from writing. :) I'll be sure to add you back, though, to let you see the stuff I'll be posting. Thanks again - so much - for your kind comment!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)


[info]stifled_angel
2004-06-06 08:07 am UTC (link)
Anytime :)

I look forward to reading more, as I've previously mentioned. Good luck with finals! Concentrate on those for now ;) I'm sure there will be plenty of time in the summer when you can write.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]temira
2004-05-25 09:59 pm UTC (link)
I like this is a lot. For something so short, you got in a lot of development for Arie (her playfullness, for example, comes across very clearly). It's an interesting concept and I'd love to see it expanded on into something longer (or at least, into more short fics.)

Mind if I friends you? ^_^

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]lee_scribbles
2004-05-25 10:24 pm UTC (link)
No problem! I'm kind of slow, I'm afraid, but I'm hoping to have the next piece done soon (as in, one to two weeks soon - yes, I'm horribly slow ^_^;). I'm also planning on reworking this story into a chapter of a full story, instead. Dratted thing developed a plot on me! With bad guys and everything! ^_^

Thanks a lot for the compliment, too. This is the first piece I've shown to anyone that's not a real life friend, so it means a lot to me. :)

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]angelfish_82
2004-06-23 11:14 am UTC (link)
"The cramped, closed-in cars always made her feel trapped, and the scents of all the people crammed in the little area made her feel nauseated, every single time she entered."

The only thing in this piece that I would change would be to remove the comma from last part of that sentence. ==> "...made her feel trapped, and the scents of all the people crammed in the little area made her feel nauseated every single time she entered." Leaving it in there made me feel that the line was a bit 'jerky'.

Aside from that, absolutely wonderful imagery! :) I love pieces with rain in them. Something about a person playing in the rain has always struck me as enduring. Although your character has her enduring qualities (cute girlie figure dancing in the rain), I can also see an adult attitude hidden underneath, as evidenced in her cheeky 'kiss blowing' at one of the drivers she's just jay-walked in front of.

Love the ending. It's the main part of the piece that really jumps out at me, the contrasting of the dark greys of the alleyway and rain, and the brightness of the red coat, really leave an impression on my mind's eye.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]lee_scribbles
2004-06-23 11:26 am UTC (link)
Thanks a lot for the comment! Yeah, I see what you mean about the comma. Hmmm. I'm currently rewriting this story and making it into the first chapter of a full fic, so I'll see if that line stays that way, then see how the comma fits in. Originally I put it there to indicate that every time she enters, she feels both trapped and nauseated, but it doesn't come off like that when rereading. It's always the small things you miss, I swear. :)

And yeah, I've always *loved* the image of someone spinning around in the rain. Arie is the first character I've had that could really pull it off without melodrama, though - she's both serious and playful in turns.

And I'm so glad you liked the red vs. the greys - that's really the image I was going for.

Thanks again for the feedback!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)


[info]angelfish_82
2004-06-23 11:33 am UTC (link)
Hmm...I can understand how you were trying to come across now, but I still stand by my 'comma-delete'! lol. ^_~ Is this going to be longer? Cool. I'd love to read it when you finish. It really captured my attention. I have so many longer 'novels' half started, but I don't seem to have very interesting openings to them. Yours was eye-catching and drew me into it from the get-go. Anyways, just returning the favor, you reviewed mine, so shall I yours. *wink*

P.S. Mind if I "friend" you?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)


[info]lee_scribbles
2004-06-23 11:52 am UTC (link)
Of course you can friend me - I'll do the same. :)

And yeah, it's going to be a longer chapter, and part of a longer story - but it's slow going, and I keep on getting attacked by other ideas, plus classes. And I'm just a slow writer in general, so basically, don't worry that I've abandoned it when it takes me another month (or more, sadly) to finish up the full chapter. :) I'll likely be posting it both here and at [info]writer_girls when I finish it, though, so no worries on missing the first chapter, at least.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


(9 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…